Applying the 13 horror rules
by AncientVampiricGryphon
Summary: Sequel to SG1's 13 rules for suriving horror. ...another wierd trip and Jonas relearns the 13 rules.


Disclaimer: Wouldn't this have already been an episode if I owned Stargate? Oo  
  
And on another note... I don't own Guinness either... wouldn't WANT to! Ugh.  
  
Spoilers: ::inspects with magnifying glass:: nope... no spoilers...  
  
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It had taken Jonas a week or so to try to forget the strange incident where Sam, Jack and Daniel had tried to teach himself and Teal'c how to survive a horror film.  
  
But now he had forgotten it all, he needed it!  
  
Life sucks sometimes, huh?  
  
SG1 had been sent on a routine mission to go explore planet –insert randomly generated planet label- . And as luck would have it, they had somehow gotten chased by irate natives yet again.  
  
Dammit! They REALLY need to teach Jack some universal people skills...  
  
This time they were all trapped inside a large house... a seemingly familiar looking house. It had a big dying garden outside and the building itself needed some serious white washing and re-glazing...possibly roof re-tiling... doing.  
  
"Oh my gods..." Daniel groaned as the door closed behind him and his team-mates.  
  
Jonas jumped as the door closed by itself, the others looked to the archaeologist of the group and blinked with curiosity...well...Teal'c just blinked, but you get the idea.  
  
"What is it Danny?" Jack blinked.  
  
"I know this house... you will too." The resident coffee addict answered. "...It's a... a... 'Haunted House'."  
  
Teal'c raised an eyebrow.  
  
Sam stared and blinked at Daniel.  
  
Jonas looked around at the shadows.  
  
"... aw, crap." Jack simply stated.  
  
There was a brief pause, enough time for an eerie sounding wind to blow past, bringing with it a family of tumble weeds and a stray toupee.  
  
Teal'c blinked down at his foot and kicked the toupee off his boot.  
  
"Look on the bright side." Sam smiled. "There's no sign of any mad reanimated corpses, demon animals, chainsaw wheilding freaks, knife bearing leather-faced morons or ghosts."  
  
The others looked round and shrugged, they were about to agree when one of each of the above mentioned freak shows reared their ugly heads, appearing as if from nowhere.  
  
"You HAD to say that didn't you?!" Jonas almost squeaked as he took a few steps back along with his team-mates.  
  
"Don't worry so much Jonas." Jack said as the team reached the middle of the hallway, like every group of people backing away from a major threat on the ground floor of a house. "We'll make it through this, so long as you remembered the rules."  
  
Jonas gave a little squeak, which might have been interpreted as: 'oh crap.' Or words to that effect.  
  
"Can the rules be followed in order right now?" Sam blinked to her CO.  
  
"Err..." Jack wasn't sure.  
  
"no." Daniel said definitely, shaking his head.  
  
"Then what do we do?!" Jonas stared wide eyed at the others. ?" Daniel suggested.  
  
The freaks and disasters that appeared had stopped their advance and watched the conversation, the guy with the chainsaw was refuelling, the dude with knives was carving a turkey, and the hell creature was playing yahtzi with the reanimated corpse. The ghost simply hung near the ceiling reading the local paper.  
  
"erm, if you excuse us..." Jack announced to their would-be pursuers. "...we're going to run now. Ok? Ok. Buh-bye."  
  
SG1 bolted and all seemed to split up on the lower level, each running towards a different room.  
  
The 'creature-features' continued with their activities until the noticed it was too quiet. They looked up and realised there was no one in front of them. Only just seeing the backs of the escaping team, the monsters threw their activities aside and there was the sound of growling, shrieking, evil laughter and a chainsaw starting up.  
  
Sam and Jack found themselves chased after the hell creature and re-animated corpse, joy. Jack didn't know which was worse, running into a lounge without the usual supply of Guinness, or the stench form the breath of the beast and the body of the beast.  
  
Teal'c found himself chased by the ghost, it never left the ceiling and kept 'smoking' as it sped after the Jaffa. Teal'c vaguely wondered if the creatures clothing was smoking from friction burns, it was pretty darn close to the ceiling after all.  
  
Daniel and Jonas had the more 'human' of the monsters chasing them. The leather-faced knife bearing moron and the chainsaw wielding loony were the ones hot on their heels. Dr Jackson not knowing what was worse, the fact he was stuck with the guy that had previously 'killed' him, or the fact he was being chased by the guys that were GOING TO kill him.  
  
Teal'c seemed to be running down an endless corridor until the wall seemed to come charging up to him, just as he ran through the doorway and stopped in front of the wall, the ghost went splat into the low doorway and knocked itself out. The Jaffa blinked, wandered over, stood on the thing and shot it with his staff weapon then wandered back towards the main hallway with a grin.  
  
Sam had been attacked by the reanimated corpse and was fighting it off. Jack was trying to get rid of the hell creature. Said hell creature was a Cerberus and as Jack was backed against the French windows, he had an idea. The CO looked out into the garden and stated with surprise "wow! Look at that poodle!" Then slid the French window open and locked the Cerberus out as it had been stupid enough to bolt out there.  
  
"Did ya see that, Carter?" Jack grinned to Sam.  
  
Sam nodded and feigned a smile. "yes, sir. Great. ...but d'ya think I could have some help here?" she added as she tangoed with the corpse that had its hands round her neck.  
  
Jack blinked and shouted. "oh my god! It's almost time for The Simpson's!"  
  
The corpse dropped Sam and leaped over the couch, landing on the cushions and flicking the TV on. Sam and Jack bolted.  
  
Jonas and Daniel managed to dodge the chainsaw and knives pretty darn well and managed to start running towards the main hallway again.  
  
Everyone met up and came together in a huge crash, rebounding in a scattered mess on the floor, all except Teal'c, who stood there and just raised an eyebrow.  
  
"We need a rule fourteen..." Daniel groaned as he and the others got up.  
  
"And that would be?" Jack blinked.  
  
"Don't split up?" Sam suggested.  
  
Daniel pointed to Sam then changed form point to thumbs up and nodded a bit.  
  
"Right." Jack said after another pause in which another wind blew through, bringing with it more tumble weeds. "...we need to get out of here ASAP."  
  
"Agreed." Teal'c said, fixing his eyeliner and quite calmly too. It's a well-known fact the monsters don't attack again until they leave the half way point on the main hallway.  
  
"well then, lets go!" Sam urged and sure enough, everyone moved.  
  
They had all managed to get to the front door when Jonas started turned to wander up the stairs.  
  
"Ye gods, man!" Daniel hissed. "Don't you remember Horror film survival rule five?! DON'T go upstairs!"  
  
Jonas froze in his tracks when he was hissed at and stood there wide eyed like a kitten caught in an ally way with a can hurtling towards it. "but..." he protested.  
  
"But WHAT?" Daniel growled.  
  
Jonas semi-curled over and feebly raised a hand with a finger erect to point up the stairs "I... need the bathroom.." he squeaked.  
  
Daniel growled loudly and chased the Kelownan out the door ahead of everyone else.  
  
Jack, Sam and Teal'c followed outside and looked round.  
  
There was another pause and the wind came once more. Teal'c didn't like the tumble weeds. So Teal'c calmly got his staff weapon and fired at them, they turned to ash before they could roll past.  
  
The random blasts startled the others into falling down the front steps and rolling into the shed.  
  
"wonderful." Sam moaned as the door closed on them.  
  
"we could stay here 'till morning?" Jack suggested. "the freaky things go away in sunlight."  
  
The others thought a moment.  
  
A moment later:  
  
Teal'c was standing outside the shed and was suddenly pulled in by four hands.  
  
They waited in there for a little while and there was a strange sound outside.  
  
Teal'c raised an eyebrow.  
  
Sam looked suspicious.  
  
Jonas whimpered.  
  
Daniel was glad no one had had beans for lunch as this was a confined space.  
  
And Jack peered through the door as he pushed it ajar.  
  
"fbleep that sbleep!" he yelled and pushed back so hard everyone broke through the back wall and fell out in a heap.  
  
Daniel looked round for the person who was bleeping out the expletives again as he got to his feet. Teal'c peeled and threw Jonas off himself and got up. And Sam and Jack got up together, Sam looking curious as their CO started herding them onwards away from the house.  
  
"What was that?" Sam blinked.  
  
"Think of rule seven." Jack replied and ushered them on.  
  
"rule seven..." Sam pondered.  
  
Jonas strained to remember.  
  
Teal'c hadn't listened first time round so wasn't going to bother straining.  
  
"ah!" Daniel exclaimed. "rule seven, you hear a strange noise outside and discover it's a cat, get the fbleep outta there..."  
  
Sam nodded and Daniel frowned and looked round again "who keeps doing THAT!?"  
  
"now what?" Jonas asked, constantly looking behind him.  
  
"on to the gate!" Jack called back, he and the others were a distance ahead.  
  
Sam decided she was getting too hot on a warm night with running so much and started to try to wriggle out of her t-shirt.  
  
"Rule eleven!" Jack and Daniel called.  
  
Sam blinked and nodded and stopped wriggling "keep your clothes on."  
  
"Jelly attracts wasps, running around in underwear attracts killers." The three Earth humans said in unison.  
  
They ran on, the gate was the other side of some woods, noting rule one of course...NEVER go into the woods in the middle of the night.  
  
Daniel, Jack and Sam suddenly realised they were missing a clown...err... Kelownan and looked round with mild, very mild, panic. Teal'c didn't so much as bat an eyelid.  
  
They soon heard, and saw, Jonas racing towards them yelling something about rape.  
  
"You broke rule one didn't you?" Jack blinked as the windswept (windswept nothing, he looked like he'd had a fight with a hedge and a trimmer and lost) joined them once more.  
  
"Well you wouldn't let me go to the bathroom earlier!" Jonas complained.  
  
As Jonas complained, a grey squirrel sat on his back raised a butchers knife and poised to drive it into the back of his neck, oddly enough it was wearing a plaid shirt.  
  
"rule six..." Sam rolled here eyes as she flung picked the squirrel off Quinn and slung it away into the bushes. "NO hitchhikers!"  
  
They keep running and dodge round a guy in a plaid shirt that's obviously a wax works museum proprietor.  
  
"rule eight!" Jack calls making sure everyone dodges the guy with quite a distance.  
  
"and rule three!" Daniel adds as he points out there's a branch of Millets about three meters away.  
  
They kept running still, amazing for how long and how far people in a horror film can run in the name of story continuity, and the five freaks that originally chased them appeared behind them once more and ran after them.  
  
Daniel skidded to a halt, looked behind him self and the others and rolled his eyes, calmly producing a lead baseball bat from out of nowhere he marched over to the freak shows.  
  
The monsters stopped dead still and blinked in utter confusion as the archaeologist advanced with a big grin. The ghost was bobbing about a bit in the air under a randomly separate tree.  
  
- CENSORED: Scene too senselessly violent for viewers with heart conditions, pregnant, prone to epileptic fits, have severe breathing conditions or are on the 'F'at-kins diet.-  
  
Daniel stands there beating the crap outta the ghost, white powder precipitating down in clouds as the archaeologist treat the apparition like some flower rolled piñata.  
  
Having had a way of outletting a pent up killing spree, Daniel was about to drop the weapon when Sam yelled out: "rule two!"  
  
Daniel blinked round and looked at the dead/ beat up ones and notices there were two psychopathic killers there. He looks back and nods "alright....but you do realise that seeing as I kept the weapon they won't some back from the dead...ergo I don't need the weapon."  
  
Jack blinked, made no sense to him.  
  
"vicious circle?" Jonas suggested.  
  
They all nodded then ran on. Told you, it's amazing how far people can go for the sake of plot... But then again, they did take a break to watch Daniels killing spree.  
  
SG1 ran past a kid playing with a ventriloquist's dummy and Jack screeched to a halt, turned back and taught the kid rule four: NEVER take up ventriloquism, your dummy will prove no dummy.  
  
Then the colonel ran back and caught up and resumed his place at the front of his team.  
  
Little Jimmy, whom Jack had just warned, had received his lesson too late as the dummy drove a screwdriver into his...  
  
"Rule nine!" Jack yelled at a couple of people discussing going to their cabin for the night.  
  
"stick to caravans!" Sam called as explanation. "Demonic forces shun caravans!"  
  
The two people blink then call back: "we know! ... we ARE demonic forces!"  
  
"That's alright then!" SG1 called back.  
  
They finally came to a cross roads and skidded to a halt, reading the sign post.  
  
ï Stargate  
  
ï  Maine  
  
The group all looked to each other, nodded and headed for the Stargate, Jack and Daniel flipping the 'Maine' direction the finger as they did so and chorused: "rule thirteen."  
  
When they FINALLY reached the gate, Sam jumped over and dialled up, time to go!  
  
As they were waiting, there was a 'lady of the night' leaning against the gate and she propositioned... Daniel, who else?  
  
The archaeologist was kinda desperate really, it was tempting, but Jack and Sam called: "rule ten!"  
  
Daniel looked round and nodded. "no intercourse... filleted within fifteen minutes."  
  
Jack pulled Daniel over and shoved him thought the gate along with the others.  
  
And so they stood there, back home, on the ramp of the Stargate.  
  
Listening to the fact they had been sent to the wrong planet and had ended up on the planet where Tok'ra make horror, and the occasional blue, movie.  
  
"It wasn't real?!" Jack stares and lets his jaw hang.  
  
That's right ...it wasn't real...funny, no? ha ha.  
  
General Hammond suggests that maybe SG1 would prefer to spend the night in a real haunted house?  
  
SG1 blink blankly and stare then look to each other.  
  
Jonas growls very quietly and steps up.  
  
"Rule twelve?" he asked the others.  
  
"Rule twelve." The rest of SG1 nod.  
  
"Sir...take the haunted house suggestion and shove it up your ableep" Jonas said then stalked off, leaving everyone standing there shocked...  
  
...well, almost everyone, Daniel was looking for the expletive bleeper again.  
  
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well, there's the weirdo sequel done.  
  
How was it?  
  
Please Read, Review and Reconsider flaming. 


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